Broken
by Meesh
Summary: Details the private omni-tool log of Kaidan Alenko, Alliance soldier, during the years Commander Shepard had mysteriously disappeared after the Normandy's destruction. (Some seriously angsty Shenko, rated T for some language!)
1. 2183 CE

_2183 – August 7_

I don't even know why I'm doing this. I just know that if I don't get it out somehow, I'm going to snap. You know they denied my request to head back there? I'm tempted, so fucking tempted, Lia, to just go. Go and look for you. The hardest thing I ever did was request permission to "find your body." Your body. It can't be. You are there. YOU are there, not a body. I can't accept this, I just can't. Not even a week ago, we were hiding in your cabin, warm and alive. So alive. You're alive. You have to be. Please be alive.

* * *

_2183 – August 9_

It's only been a week. They never looked for you. How can they declare you dead? After saving their asses, the Council just doesn't care about you. Garrus told me he thinks you're more valuable to them as a martyr, and I'm beginning to think he might be right. Assholes.

* * *

_2183 – August 16_

Funerals are bullshit, Lia. Especially public ones full of people talking about how great you were. None of them really knew you, except for Anderson. Garrus had to hold on to my shoulder when Udina stood up to give a speech. I almost got up and yelled. That fucker had NO right to say anything about you! Every step of the way, he used you to try and push himself up the political ladder. Didn't even know you. Both he and the Council outright refused to look for you at all. It was an empty casket. Seeing your official photo next to it almost killed me.

I still haven't given up.

* * *

_2183 – August 30_

They're dissolving the crew. There were too many non-Alliance personnel aboard the Normandy and no officer wants to take over. Anderson asked me if I wanted command. With you and Pressly gone, I was next in line. I refused. Never told you this, but he offered me a promotion, ship and crew during that week of interviews and debriefings after the Citadel battle. Declined that one, too. I keep trying to decide if it was stupid or not. Would you have made it out if I wasn't there?

* * *

_2183 – September 3_

It's been a month. A month of hell. You know, Hackett asked me if I needed some therapy today. I began to laugh but then I realized he was serious. No amount of therapy is going to help this. Every day, it feels like I wake up, half-alive. We didn't have a lot of time together in the grand scheme of things, but I'm never going to be over it. Over us. Over you. I can't even find it in me to give a shit about the Reapers right now. No one can rally people like you could, Lia. We're doomed without you.

* * *

_2183 – September 6_

Didn't sleep last night. Every time I start to drift off, you reach out for me; when we're just about to touch, you fall into nothing.

* * *

_2183 – September 15_

Garrus has no idea what he's talking about. Sure, he looked up to you, a lot, but this is different. Even so, I probably shouldn't have yelled at him like that. I can see you now, mouth twisting and eyebrow rising. Demanding I go apologize. I will tomorrow. I promise.

* * *

_2183 – September 27_

I can't do this.

* * *

_2183 – October 1_

If I have one more 'inquiry' from a reporter about what it was like to work with the famed Commander Shepard, I'm going to punch someone. And it won't be pretty. They're still swarming around all of us, like locusts trying to find a scrap of news to blow out of proportion. Twist into a headline for some press. It's sickening.

* * *

_2183 – October 10_

Fuck. They're using you in Alliance ads now. The second I heard your voice, I stopped breathing. Hope beyond hope… But then I found the source. An application dispenser with your face. I'm not going to lie, Lia. I almost broke down right there in the Wards. I can't stay here anymore, not while those things are around.

* * *

_2183 – October 19_

I walked by your apartment today.

* * *

_2183 – October 30_

Anderson came to me with a few covert missions today. In case anyone ever actually finds this, I don't want to put any details down, but it's the kind of stuff you'd love. Undercover solo missions with highly sensitive goals. It'll be good to be back in the field. Garrus was right: you wouldn't sit around and refuse active duty. You'd get out there and kick ass, take names, and set it right. That's what I'm going to do. For you.

* * *

_2183 – November 2_

Getting back into the routine of active duty is a good distraction, at least while I'm awake.

* * *

_2183 – November 6_

This is more dangerous than I thought it'd be. I'll do my best to stay alive, even if I don't want to. You'll kick my ass if I purposefully myself get killed. God, every night is torture. I keep dreaming about you.

* * *

_2183 – November 17_

And I thought Noveria was cold. Shit. You'd be laughing your ass off at me, and that thought's the only thing keeping me warm right now.

* * *

_2183 – November 25_

Wonder if this is how you felt on Elysium.

* * *

_2183 – November 31_

Getting treated for frostbite is more painful than it should be. At least I'm not going to lose anything. It was a close call but the mission was a success. Being alone in the thick of things was good because it left me barely any time to think about you. Stuck in the medbay leaves me nothing but time.

* * *

_2183 – December 2_

I need to get out of here. Can't stop thinking of that time we almost got caught by Chakwas in the Normandy's medbay. I miss you.

* * *

_2183 – December 4_

Hackett promoted me to Lieutenant Commander for that last mission. He says he would've given me a medal, but they can't officially sanction what happened…it's a weird feeling. My next assignment is classified too, but it's going to bring back a lot of stuff I had buried. Dammit. It's too important to say no, or I would.

* * *

_2183 – December 10_

Everywhere I turn, I swear I see a flash of bright red. Things are as dirty and rough as your stories. How did a kid grow up in this? You were even stronger than I thought.

* * *

_2183 – December 12_

Saw a little girl today, clearly starving and cold. Her hair was black and her face was rounder, but all I could think of was your story about refusing to beg for food. She had the same spirit that you did; flat out refused the rations and coat I offered her at first. Couldn't do any more than that without breaking my cover… I hope she grabbed both after I left them behind.

* * *

_2183 – December 16_

Tomorrow's the moment of truth. I don't even know if you'd have done something this stupid.

* * *

_2183 – December 17_

I have no idea how I made it through that alive. That one gash on my arm is going to scar up pretty bad, I'll bet. I'm on shore leave for the next two months, then Anderson twisted my arm into agreeing to taking over a spec ops program, the first division of biotics. The recruits are barely more than teens, and I don't think I'm cut out for it, but he insisted it had to be me. Can't argue with his kind of experience.

* * *

_2183 – December 25_

I sent out messages to the ground team from the Normandy, asking them if they want to go to Alchera with me. Wrex said he'd down a whole bottle of Ryncol for you but that things were too fragile on Tuchanka to risk leaving. Tali can't make it, either; apparently she's caught up in some kind of quarian political debate. Seems like that data you gave her made her very important. Liara offered to accompany me, and Anderson got back saying he'd be honored to "pay his respects." That sounds so final. Joker told me to go to hell, but I don't know if that's a bad thing. You'd probably be really pissed at me for what I said after the funeral. I refuse to apologize. It IS his damn fault. Garrus is the only one who didn't respond…I have no idea where he is. Hope he's alright. Out of all the people I contacted, he's probably the one who would understand the most.

* * *

_2183 – December 31_

Thinking over this past year, there's only one thing I'd do differently. I'd sling you over my fucking shoulder and I'd drag you into the escape shuttle, kicking and screaming.


	2. 2184 CE

_2184 – January 2_

On my way to Alchera. It was awkward seeing Liara again. She seems a lot older and looks…guilty. I have no idea why, though. She asked if I was sick, but I can't figure out why. Of course I'm not sick.

* * *

_2184 – January 3_

It was in this system that we had our last kiss goodbye. I swear, I can feel your breath get caught in your throat, hear that unrestrained laugh echoing down the hall. See you smile sleepily as you push aside your bedhead. Just as I finally let myself fall for you completely, with no way out, you were gone. Just like that. In one explosion, my world shattered. I'd give anything to have you back. Liara caught me on my way back from staring out the viewport and told me you'd want me to move on, to be happy. It's not that easy. How do you learn to live without half your heart?

* * *

_2184 – January 28_

I start training the kids tomorrow. Still think Anderson's bat shit crazy for putting me in charge of a bunch of kids, but we'll see.

* * *

_2184 – February 2_

Maybe it won't be that bad. The kids seem to be pretty good at following instructions. Heh, one of them asked me what it was like working alongside the first human Spectre. I told them it was classified info and they got the idea. One of the girls, Lyn, asked if I ever thought biotics would be looked at as anything other than freaks. That question opened my eyes…I think this is why Anderson asked me to take over the program. I'm probably the only human biotic who's known for it and isn't completely shunned by society. I've got you to thank for that, by the way. That interview where you yelled at the interviewer for trying to ostracize me.

I've come to terms with the fact that I can't bring you back from the dead, but maybe I can do a little good here. Whenever my time does come, I want you to be proud of me and what I've done. Making sure that these kids feel comfortable and embrace their abilities…that's something you'd want to see.

* * *

_2184 – February 27_

Shit, was I that bad at this age? We very nearly had a biotic explosion yesterday when Alecia and Pete touched barriers without knowing it. Reminded me of when I enveloped you in mine. I didn't sleep last night after thinking about that.

* * *

_2184 – March 9_

They're getting better. Smart kids, learn fast. One of them reminds me of you: Edith. Her hair is more of a carroty red than your bright color, and her skin's a lot darker, but she has that fire in her eyes. I walked in on her giving the other students a speech about how they were just as human as everyone else, and it was their duty to be the best squad in the Alliance. Something you would say.

* * *

_2184 – March 31_

It's getting better. I'll go days at a time where I'm just Commander Alenko, teacher to a rag tag bunch of biotic recruits. But then something will remind me of you. I'll hear an interview snippet, or another soldier will be wearing your favorite type of armor. I don't know if I can ever move past this completely. I don't know if I want to.

* * *

_2184 – April 11_

I had a plan for today. I would've snuck a small pastry from wherever I could and hid it in your room while you were out on your rounds. Then tonight, I would have snuck in and we'd have had a great night. If you gave me that certain smile, I even would've sung 'Happy Birthday' for you. It would have been as close to the perfect birthday as we could get. I know you said you never had anyone celebrate your birthday like that. There were so many things I wanted to do for you.

* * *

_2184 – May 17_

I've got the kids working on artillery strikes now. They're surprisingly well-coordinated, which is good. The last thing I want is them busting a hole in the facility. I actually think they're ready for a field test, if not actual mission. Their real training has yet to begin, but making sure they're coordinated is key. We're going to be working on getting them into teams of three and then sending them on special missions – covert, high risk. If I train them right, not being found is going to be their biggest weapon, even more so than their biotics.

* * *

_2184 – July 2_

They passed their first field test with flying colors! We cleared out a Cerberus science operation in the Tasale system, and they infiltrated it perfectly. The base went dark before a single signal could get sent out. I don't know how much more I can really teach them at this point, but we'll keep running drills and trying to increase their biotic endurance until the program officially ends. I'm free at the beginning of September. No idea what I'll do then, but heading to the Citadel for an official debriefing with Anderson will probably be first.

* * *

_2184 – August 28_

It's harder saying goodbye to my students than I thought it'd be. These kids have kept me sane through most of this year, gave me a purpose again. I know they'll be fine, they're better than I thought my training would make them. Still going to worry about them, though. It's what I do.

* * *

_2184 – September 3_

What the hell is it with Anderson and promoting me? Staff Commander Alenko… My mom's going to be ridiculously happy. I can only imagine what rank you'd be at this point. You know, I bet you'd refuse a promotion past Major, not wanting to command more than a single ship…preferring to be in the thick of it.

* * *

_2184 – September 8_

Told Anderson that if the Alliance didn't have an assignment for me, I was going to light out and start digging for more information on the Reapers. Sounds like something you'd do, eh? Well, someone's got to do it. The Council's still trying to officially blame the Geth and that's just stupid. Funny thing is, Anderson nodded and told me to go for it. As a special favor for humanity's Council representative. So now I guess I'm doing what you were, minus the Spectre privileges. I hope I make you proud.

* * *

_2184 – September 24_

What the hell was I thinking? I let some of my old Alliance buddies talk me into going out for drinks with some doctor. I don't think I'm ready for this. Being nice and lonely, pretending you're here making smartass comments in my ear…that's worked for me so far. Can't really back out now, but maybe she'll be a nice person. At a bare minimum, I might as well let myself pretend to have a life. Perhaps pretending will eventually turn it into reality.

* * *

_2184 – September 25_

Well, that was a disaster. She was sweet, intelligent, and looked like she stepped out of a hoload. Thick brown hair, light blue eyes, and full lips. Soft spoken and demure. Nothing like you at all. She'd be a nice enough friend, I suppose, but apparently my dumbass friends neglected to mention to her that I was Kaidan _Alenko,_ biotic Alliance soldier. The moment she found out that I was biotic, the conversation shifted to her asking me a bunch of questions. I think it was her specialty in medical school or something. Either way, I felt like a damn specimen again.

* * *

_2184 – September 26_

You know, I think it's the loss of what you and I could've been that bothers me so much, Lia. You were the only person who made me feel like a human, who didn't care about my biotics. Even with my students, we had only really bonded because we were biotics fighting to prove our worth. Hell, both my parents clearly love me, but they always flinched whenever I got upset. But when it was just the two of us, you never blinked twice when I accidentally let a bit of energy out or had to clean my amp. We were just two people in love. I really was in for the long haul. Maybe I still am, I don't know. It's hard to let go of someone who loved you for _who_ you were, not _what_ you were.

I'm just not ready to look elsewhere yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. If there ever comes a month where I don't wake in a cold sweat from reliving the attack, or in tears because you're not actually alive, maybe I'll take that first step. But for now? I can't. If that makes me hopeless, so be it.

* * *

_2184 – November 9_

Another human colony went missing. Women, children, men, guards…they all just vanished without a trace. If you thought the thorian chamber was creepy, imagine crawling through prefab after prefab in a completely empty colony. It's like they didn't even get up from eating dinner, with food and utensils still set. I don't know what's going on here, but I don't like it. It's too perfectly executed. Are the Reapers behind this?

* * *

_2184 – November 20_

Despite having a seat on the Council, apparently we're still not important enough to warrant dedicating resources to figuring this out. What the hell… Like Ash used to say, that's why I hate politicians. Completely innocent people are disappearing, and to where? Are there slavers, or are they being killed? What is going on?

* * *

_2184 – November 30_

Found a bit of information on the colony disappearances. I have no idea how solid the intel is, but it might be the Collectors? Last I knew they weren't even REAL. Having a hard time believing it, myself. I'll need to talk to Anderson before I do anything else.

* * *

_2184 – December 10_

Looks like I'm heading back to Earth for some further processing. Apparently my promotion never got officially sanctioned and so Hackett is ordering me back to take care of it in person. At least I'll have some shore leave and will be able to see my parents. Might even get to spend Christmas with them. Don't know how good my company will be, but it's something.

* * *

_2184 – December 21_

Looks like all the paperwork is shored up. Was nice to have my father there when they declared me a Staff Commander of the Alliance. We don't get along too well, and our service is one of the few things that can bring us together. Mom said she was making her glazed ham in celebration. You'd love her glazed ham…it's that perfect combination of sweet and spicy.

* * *

_2184 – December 25_

Damn, is it awkward being unable to tell them anything I've done for the past two years. I did warn them about the Reapers, and the human colonies, though. Probably shouldn't have, but they're my parents. I've got to try and take care of them the best I can. I'm a little surprised at how much my father seems to actually believe me about the Reapers. I think you'd like my Dad. He's rough around the edges, but refuses to ignore a problem. A lot like you, but you were definitely a better shot.

* * *

_2184 – December 30_

Got my orders to return to the Citadel and coordinate a few missions for my students. Heh, I'm not actually teaching them anymore or anything, but they'll always be "my students" to me. I'm feeling antsy just sitting around my parents' house, so it'll be good to get back to work. I've been doing a lot better recently, but whenever I have down time like this, the nightmares come back.


	3. 2185 CE

_2185 – January 3_

Almost a year and a half later, and I still find myself staring off into space. I can't remember the last time I really laughed. I mean, full on laugh until you cry. It can't be healthy at this point. Maybe I should look into getting some help.

* * *

_2185 – January 11_

I'm shocked how much more adult my students seem, even only a couple of months after ending their training. They'll actually be okay, I think. The missions we worked up are definitely a challenge, but I don't think there will be an issue. They're damn talented kids. I'll keep checking in on their status updates in case, though.

* * *

_2185 – January 26_

What the fuck? Al-Jilani just has no idea what she's talking about. You can't be alive and working for Cerberus! I want to believe you're not gone – oh god, do I want to believe that, but you'd never do something like work with them. They're just trying to break Alliance morale with these false rumors. I won't fall for their bullshit tactics. This is low, even by Cerberus's normal standards.

* * *

_2185 –January 27_

…Eyewitness testimony? It can't be. People don't come back from the dead. They just don't!

* * *

_2185 – February 9_

Did you and Anderson bond over having completely bat shit insane ideas or something? I just got orders to go to a remote colony, Horizon, and help set up defense towers. Defending civilians, doing a bit of good, that's what I signed on for. Of course I'm going, but I don't know if that will accomplish much. I'm almost positive he's just trying to keep me away from the media, what with these ridiculous rumors that you're actually alive. You can't be, can you?

* * *

_2185 – February 17_

Man, Horizon really is out there in the galaxy, isn't it? Still two relay jumps to go before we get there and I'm already regretting this. All I do in my spare time is scouring the extranet for any proof of these people claiming to have seen Commander Shepard. It all seems completely unsubstantiated at this point, but I can't help but feel like the rumors are true. Something in my gut tells me they are…maybe it's just wishful thinking.

* * *

_2185 – February 27_

They really do hate the Alliance out here, don't they? Damn colonists think I'm actually out here to make their lives worse. I'm just helping ensure the defense towers are installed correctly! Isn't that a good thing? If you were here, you'd probably give them a good verbal lashing before kicking the towers into working. Heh, I can see that.

* * *

_2185 – March 2_

Can't sleep. One question keeps running through my mind: if you are alive, why the hell wouldn't you contact me?

* * *

_2185 – March 12_

I can't stop shaking. Have I finally gone crazy? This has to be some sort of dream. Collectors…and you…alive…

* * *

_2185 – March 15_

How could you do this to me? I spent almost TWO YEARS mourning you. I never took our tags off! You show up years later, no message or anything? You didn't even try to contact me! Were you actually dead, or were you undercover? Were you a damned Cerberus agent all along and I fell for your act? Shit, Lia. I don't know what to think anymore! You were there, you were so real. Smelled, felt, sounded, looked real. But I watched the Normandy blow up. I saw the debris, the complete ruin left behind. NO ONE would have survived that, not even you. What the hell am I supposed to think?!

* * *

_2185 – March 16_

God, my head hurts.

* * *

_2185 – March 30_

Anderson finally admitted the real reason he sent me out. He knew about you all along! Why didn't he tell me? I had to leave before I did something I would have regretted.

* * *

_2185 – April 3_

I'm being sent on another covert mission. Good. I could use the distraction.

* * *

_2185 – April 11_

Not entirely sure if I should be wishing you a happy birthday or not.

* * *

_2185 – April 27_

Back to crazy mission hours and getting no sleep because of nightmares. Now I'm dreaming about Cerberus changing you. How could this happen?

* * *

_2185 – May 16_

Almost died on that last mission. I need to stop being so distracted. Just can't stop thinking about if it's really you I saw before.

* * *

_2185 – May 18_

Safe again, if barely. Sleeping a little better, but not by much. You know, I was so pissed about Horizon that I almost threw my tags away that night. Something stopped me at the last second, though. As I stared at them in my hand, I remembered the time I caught you staring at yours in the pilot pit. It was a quiet, candid moment. I fell in love with you all over again. What if what you told me on Horizon really was true? That they brought you back and the Alliance refused to help, that you are trapped working for Cerberus? Can I take the chance that I just pushed the real you away? Having you back is all I've dreamed of and wanted since it all went to hell.

* * *

_2185 – May 22_

Now that I confirmed the Collectors are behind the disappearances, Hackett has a few tasks for me to do. I thought on it for a few days, and before I head out I'm going to send you a message. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need to hope there's a chance you're really you. Things are still way too fishy, and I don't trust Cerberus further than I can throw them, but if you're really alive… I can't burn this bridge, not completely. Maybe when all this is over we can… I don't know, talk about it. If you're not too angry at me. I hope I'm not too late.

* * *

_2185 – May 28_

Still haven't heard back from you. Not sure if I ever will, at this rate. Wish I could find out if you read it. Didn't want to give too much away, because I'm sure Cerberus reads every message you get.

* * *

_2185 – June 10_

Ran across a quarian on Illium who was defending you against some turian. Apparently he feels you need to be dragged in and thrown in the brig for working with Cerberus; while I don't know if I want you jailed, being able to talk with you without Cerberus around is a damn appealing thought. Either way, he was being an ass about it and she shared how you convinced her owner to free her. Listening to the story, it was so very you. It gives me hope that you're actually back.

* * *

_2185 – June 25_

An assassin? Really? Rumors are flying all over this planet about you picking up an assassin last week. Something attached to the mess up at Dantius Towers. What are you doing, trusting him? Wrex at least had some honor, even if we did all think you were absolutely insane to bring him along, but a hired murderer…? Watch your back.

* * *

_2185 – July 3_

Somehow managed to talk Anderson out of going undercover for a weapons dealer's party. My face is too well known and I'm not good enough a liar to pull it off, and thankfully he recognized that. Don't know who this Donovan Hock guy is, but his file is a few inches thick. Wouldn't want to tangle with him.

* * *

_2185 – July 8_

What the hell? Our contact said you were at his party, and crashed it! Why were you there? Is Cerberus somehow tapping into this? Shit. I'm not going to use this for a while.

* * *

_2185 – October 19_

You didn't actually blow that relay, did you? Hundreds of thousands of batarians are dead! You couldn't have possibly done that. The woman I fell in love with would never do something like that, even if her back was against the wall. Cerberus really did change you, didn't they? Fuck.

* * *

_2185 – October 30_

I can't believe Anderson just resigned from the Council and returned to the Alliance full time! Sure, he got a sweet promotion to Admiral out of it, but he was doing so well at keeping things from getting out of hand. Udina's going to make it all worse, I'll bet you.

* * *

_2185 – November 12_

Well, now I just can't figure out what's going on. Why would Cerberus ever let you leave, much less surrender to Alliance forces? They would have to know your trial would be public. The batarians wouldn't let any less than that happen. They'll want blood. They do want blood. Your blood. I'm going to reserve judgment until I see your explanation. What we had…well, I owe you that much. A fair shot.

* * *

_2185 – November 31_

God, you seem so the same. You're just as loud, as stubborn as I remember. Still utterly focused on the Reapers. Are they really that close? I hope not. We're not ready, not by a long shot. Maybe Cerberus really did rebuild you…I mean, why would they let you run around, sharing their secrets like that? I don't know what to think. You look, sound, act the same, except for those orange cuts on your cheek. They look cybernetic. Part of bringing you back, or some of your false synthetic origins showing? I can't tell. I want you to be real, but…I couldn't bear it if you weren't. I need to protect myself.

* * *

_2185 – December 6_

Are you fucking serious? You went through the Omega-4 relay?! And then blew up a Collector base?! Lia, I know you're absolutely crazy at times, but I can't believe you actually did that! Protecting everyone else at any cost, it's so very you. Your description of that human Reaper thing was awful. All those innocent people…I can't believe the Illusive Man would want to keep that for himself, the bastard. The committee shut that conversation down really damn fast, but I'll ask Anderson if he can confirm it. You would yell at them.

* * *

_2185 – December 17_

Discharged and locked down…sounds about right. I knew the Alliance wouldn't actually put you up for anything like the firing squad; dishonored or not, you're still the biggest hero they have. They definitely wouldn't have given you to the batarians. Anderson pulled me aside and asked if I'd be willing to take over some of your responsibilities now that you're officially non-Alliance. I had no idea you were doing so much for him, tracking things and smuggling intel. He's utterly convinced the Reapers are close, and I'm finding it hard to disagree. We need to do something. What would you do? I'd ask, but you're still considered in solitary.

* * *

_2185 – December 31_

I almost went to visit you today, but I couldn't get clearance. My parents are taking me out for drinks tonight, but I don't really want to go. Crowds never were my thing, but I see the two of them so rarely that I can't say no.


	4. 2186 CE

_2186 – January 2_

Well, that's the first mark on my record. Seems like I got pretty drunk on New Year's Eve and tried to demand your guards let me in. Shit. I need to get out of here before I do something even more stupid.

* * *

_2186 – January 6_

My students are back on Earth after their last assignments were completed! Finally, a distraction. I hope you're doing okay in there. I heard they got Vega to keep surveillance on you. He's a hell of a flirt, but getting jealous would just be stupid. I'm heading out to Jump Zero for a few months to help plan their next moves. Seems like the best course of action is for them to implant themselves on various colony worlds and help prepare defenses for when the Reapers arrive.

* * *

_2186 – January 7_

Major Kaidan Alenko. To be completely honest, I'm not even sure if I deserve this promotion. Anderson says he needs more high ranking officers he can trust to take the Reaper threat seriously, and I do take it seriously, but I was already a Staff Commander. Well, my mother's ecstatic, at least. That's something. I really wish I could see you before I take off, but we need special committee authority to do so, and there's nothing I can come up with that won't sound suspicious. You're already in a shitload of trouble, and I don't want to make it worse.

* * *

_2186 – February 15_

I wish I knew exactly when the Reapers were coming. Then we could prepare to the best of our ability. But just…waiting, never knowing…I hate it. At least I'm able to try and help get everyone ready, make sure my students are in place. I can only imagine how pissed you are, locked up and unable to do anything.

* * *

_2186 – February 26_

One of my students, Lyn, just asked me my thoughts on fraternization. I knew she was sweet on Pete, but he's a hard one to read. Apparently they've got a fling going and are worried about getting caught. Talk about the worst person in the world to ask that question; not that she would know that, but still. I politely told her the rules were there for a reason. Damn, it was worth breaking them at the time. But now? I don't know. I think I'd be less conflicted about your return if we hadn't…been what we were.

* * *

_2186 – February 28_

Fuck that. I wouldn't give up what we did have for anything in the world, even this uncertainty.

* * *

_2186 – March 30_

Heading back to Earth tomorrow. Anderson and I have some hardcore planning to do, as the committee's called me in to give further testimony on the Reapers. Maybe they're actually taking it seriously now, too. Once can hope, anyway. We'll be gathering proof and I'll be presenting it the beginning of May. Wish I could talk to you about it, but he told me we couldn't consult you on it at all. Supposedly having proof in a vacuum separate from you will convince them to talk to you, too. That makes NO sense. I seriously hate politics.

* * *

_2186 – April 11_

Hope Vega got to sneak in the cupcake I told him to. Heh, I wonder if you consider yourself 30 or 32. We don't have much in the way of evidence yet, but I'm hoping the data we got from Vigil will be decoded in time. If we can translate even a little bit of it that's related to the Reapers, it'll go a long way to corroborating our story.

* * *

_2186 – April 29_

We got nothing from Vigil, but some of the scientists who dissected Saren's remains are willing to testify that the technology was not Geth at all, or similar in any way. Not much, but it helps debunk the idea that Sovereign was Geth tech.

* * *

_2186 – May 4_

Tomorrow's the final day. I'll finally get this stupid tribunal done with and can go back to getting real defenses set up. I'm not too hopeful that Anderson and I found strong enough proof to really get the defense committee to do anything, but you never know.

* * *

_2186 – May 5_

"It's been…Well…" What a fucking moron I am. Two years of missing you, over half a year of trying to find a way to talk to you about Horizon, and I freeze the second you say my name. I'm a little worried at how Anderson was acting when you two walked in there a few minutes ago, though. Hope everything's okay.

* * *

_2186 – May 18_

I can't believe I'm alive. I hope you visit soon. Especially after what was said at Mars… I'm an idiot.

* * *

_2186 – May 22_

Talking with you… God, I miss you. Things were awkward, and tense, but you were still the same woman. At least you seemed like it. You're definitely not a figment of my imagination and I've already realized that I still love you, but I don't know if I can do this again. Can't tell if it'll hurt more to try it and then lose you twice, or to not take the chance. I'm so damn careful sometimes.

* * *

_2186 – May 29_

I think I'm going to accept Udina's offer. It'll give me more resources, more freedom to really do the best I can to help stop these mechanical bastards. I'm also going to stop writing in here, since we can actually write each other over the extranet.

* * *

-END LOG-

* * *

**A/N:** And so ends Kaidan's private omni-tool log. I got the inspiration for this fiction while listening to music at work. "My Heart Is Broken" by Evanescence came on, and the line about living "half-alive without you" really struck me. I SERIOUSLY recommend listening to it after you read this. It's the exact feeling/sentiment I attempted to channel, particularly during years 2183 & 2184.

I've wanted to do a fic detailing Kaidan's whereabouts during Shepard's disappearance for quite some time, and the personal 'tool log afforded me the ability to really get into his head! Please, let me know what you think. I read all reviews, usually more than once, in order to try and get better! Either way, thank you for reading. It means the world to share these stories with others! :)


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